One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops – a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!” and sat down at the back

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn’t argue with Big John, but he wasn’t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what’s more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn’t pay!”

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, ” And why not?”

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, ” Big John has a bus pass.”

Management Lesson:

“Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

I personally have no issues with gays/lesbians, so don’t think of this as trashing. Its just that the darn joke is too funny.

Boy: “Dad there is a kid in school who keeps calling me gay!”

Dad: “Well!!!!! punch him hard!!!!!!!!”

Boy: “But No Dad he is soooooooo cute!!!!”

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”

Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’ I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”

The next time soon came around so with the Mother-in-Law standing by her saide, Shazia asked him again. Salman looked at wife and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”

1. Nika
2. Darmiyana
3. Wada
4. Balle Balle Billo
5. Hai o Rabba
6. Oh Tadi Pehn Nu!

Courtesy: Fahim Inaam (aka Maestro)

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for the office of President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for the colonies without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,? and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replace dby the suffix ‘-ise’.? Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.? (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises, such as ‘like’ and ‘you know,’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly L1 per litre. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed, not with catsup, but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as theyare pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as United States Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine (whose initials may be arranged to spell FUNGUS), so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a league which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13a. World Geography will be required for secondary school graduation.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies), cakes and, when in season, strawberries with cream.

God Save the Queen!

A recently graduated, young lawyer who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home totally elated.

“Abu jaan, you are not going to believe what I am going to tell you, you know that Khandawala case that has been pending for like 15 years now????”

“Haaaannnnn…. kiya howa us kaa” goes the elder Lawyer

“Abu jaan – I finally resolved it and settled it!!!” says the beaming young lawyer!

“Settled it!” bellowed his father. “Olu kay phtaay – chutia ho gay ya hai? We’ve been living off
of that money for over fifteen years now aur tu nay settle kar liya hai – tay ri maa ko may…”

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.

“It sure was”, said the little girl.

“My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say “Fuck”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

ROLF!

“No, I mean at the other end.”
“Oh, that’s the elephant’s penis.”

“That’s funny,” mused the little boy, “Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing.”

“Well,” said the smiling father, “You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman.”

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.

When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “yes”. Asked how she used it, she said “to assist sexual intercourse.”

The interviewer was amazed. He said, “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse.

Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?” “Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.”

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I finally had to let her out.

Who is your best friend?

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your significant other in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??????